To Be Alive
by Tsuki-no-Kurokage
Summary: I have never seen taichou smile like he did today. And it's all because of you, Ichigokun...[HitsuIchi oneshot Is this how it feels to be alive? Should the flames of life come into contact with the ice of death...would death come back to life again?]


To Be Alive

Author's Note: This idea just sprang up on me today, but I don't feel like writing. Is this like some sort of after-effect after watching those brand new previews from the most recent ep? I mean…I lost my appetite, I felt like crying, I was choking on my water, I got pissed more easily than usual, I can't stop thinking about Hitsu-chan and…well, you get the idea. -sigh- I'm pathetic.

On to the story; the timeline for this is right after the Bounto arc, but before the Arrancar arc. If the movie took place after the Bounto arc, then this oneshot will take place before the movie. If the movie took place before and/or the middle of the Bounto arc, then I suppose there's no solution to that other than making this oneshot happen after the movie.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything concerning Bleach. If I did, Urahara and Kon would be less perverted and stop thinking about girls all day long.

_Italics – thoughts_

_**Bold italics – emphasis**_

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If you asked a shinigami about how it felt to be dead, you would most probably get a few direct answers, and one of which would most likely be the answer you were looking for.

However, if you dared to ask a certain white-haired captain such a pointless question, you would one hundred percent get a good bonk on the head.

It wasn't because it was stupid; just pointless. Asking the undead about how it felt like to be dead was akin to telling them that the asker was tired of living. Ok, so maybe it _**was **_stupid and pointless. Who in the name of hell would want to kill himself other than emo people? It wouldn't only give shinigamis more work to do; it would also heighten the chances of more hollows appearing, as well as more sorrow and sadness to befall upon the already crestfallen mother earth. Hell, there was no point in ending your own life like that. Persisting that Hitsugaya Toushirou must give you an answer to that question other than a hard knock on the head, he would just plain freeze you, end of story.

Truth be said, he became a shinigami in order to protect his childhood friend, and he stood, as a captain, by that resolve and that resolve alone. As far as he was concerned, there was no other reason. And as far as he was concerned, he had never stopped to ponder what it really felt like to be dead. Death was something he had escaped many times as a shinigami, but there was once when he felt truly dead. Though he didn't physically, as a soul, died, he felt himself dying away instead. Hinamori trusting her own defected captain more than she trusted him…even going to that far an extent to try and kill him for something he didn't do…It was enough to make anyone, including him, disconsolate. He didn't feel just as bad when he saw Hinamori lying there, bleeding, and when she finally woke up from her coma. He couldn't figure out why.

It was a wonder how he managed to keep himself isolated from the world like that. It was a wonder how he managed to hide his dying feelings caged within himself. Because he was a child; a mere child, no less. It wasn't possible for someone so young to prevent anyone from seeing right through him, figuring him out, reading him like a book. It just wasn't. In fact, children were supposed to be craving for attention, for people to attend to them, for people to comfort them when they needed it. Why didn't he need all that? How was it that he was one special child that didn't desire anything? How was it that he never really cared about whether he had died or not? Well, the answer is simple.

He was Hitsugaya Toushirou; that's how.

He didn't need things an ordinary child would need; he didn't desire anything that he deemed was useless for him and selfish of him; he didn't care about whether he had died or not. He _**was **_death. He was the master of ice. No, he _**was **_ice. Ice was death. And death was he. Others wouldn't think of that in such a different way, precisely because they didn't think things through in a more logical way. Hitsugaya was anything but illogical.

…_**But…**_

"Hey, Toushirou!"

Hitsugaya twitched at the mentioning of his given name and looked up from his never-ending stack of paperwork flowing in every single day without fail. "…What?"

…_**If someday, somehow, he would realize that…**_

The goofy strawberry had an idiotic grin on his face as he shrugged casually. "Nothing. Just felt like hanging out with you today."

The silent pause gave Hitsugaya a chance to get back to his paperwork, even though _**he **_was the one who was supposed to be replying. The fact that the protector's reiatsu still lingered in his mind and soul, threatening to eat him up even, just pissed him off even more. He was in too foul a mood to begin with. The longer the silence, the more irked the captain. The sudden banging of his brush against the table scared the wits out of Ichigo. The creepy thing was, Hitsugaya was speaking so calmly and tenderly (not) that it didn't sound like he was pissed at all.

"As you can see, Kurosaki, I am too busy to 'hang out' with the likes of you. If you want accompaniment, you won't get any from me. Go and find Kuchiki-taichou for all I care."

…_**he needed a spark of life in his journey of death…**_

Ichigo smiled inwardly at his adorable boyfriend's answer. So, he was still jealous after all. Typical. "Come on, Toushirou, you know I love only you."

Hitsugaya's eyebrow twitched as the brush back in his grasp began shaking not with sadness but anger. Not giving his lover another chance to make a comeback from where he had left off, the white-haired captain pressed a piece of scrap paper against Ichigo's dimwitted face and began crumpling the paper as he exerted pressure on it, scrubbing Ichigo's face. "Says the one whom I caught kissing Kuchiki-taichou on the lips."

As soon as Ichigo grabbed Hitsugaya's thin and slender arm, the latter instantly calmed down. The warm touch from a shinigami, who was not dead yet not alive either, sunk into his skin and bones, melting the ice shielding his inner feelings from within. Ichigo smirked as he brought Hitsugaya's seemingly frozen arm down, and revealed an inky face that made him strangely and eerily resemble Mayuri in terms of looks.

And while that would easily make any ordinary child cry at the mere sight…

…Hitsugaya, however, smiled and laughed.

_**Would that make his voyage of death more meaningful?**_

The rare child-like laughter and stifled giggles rang through the entire main office building of the 10th Division's and it didn't take long until the dense strawberry finally figured out what the hell was up with Hitsugaya covering his mouth and trembling like as if he had never trembled for an eternity. Ichigo had to rush to the bathroom to check on his looks and even he was mortified when he saw his own inky Mayuri-like reflection on the mirror. How did it trigger something called laughter that couldn't be found on any page of the dictionary belonging to someone known as Hitsugaya Toushirou? Oh, right, he must be seeing things. Ichigo snapped his fingers with determination; he was very sure about that. Because there'd no way in the name of hellish shit that would make his _koori ouji (ice prince; A/N: A reference of some sort to my multi-chapter HitsuIchi fic) _laugh.

When Ichigo walked out of the bathroom and afraid of what he might see before him, he nearly heaved a sigh of relief in front of the hardworking, diligent captain back at signing paperwork. It _**was **_an illusion after all; just that…it felt so real he even had the thought that Aizen deliberately did that to him to torture him mentally, but he didn't even see the shikai of the traitor's zanpakutou so technically, it wasn't really that plausible a reason. Well, perhaps his inner mind -coughhishollowcough- was full of harbored thoughts about having to live to see the day when Hitsugaya would finally give him the rumored-to-be damn beautiful smile even though he knew it was impossible.

For some reason, when Hitsugaya looked up from his work to give him a long hard stare, Ichigo felt a chill down his spine. "I told you, stop bothering me. Why don't you go drinking with Kuchiki-taichou at the bar or something? The paperwork is to be done by today and if it isn't, I'll be slitting your throat the next time I see you."

Indirectly speaking, his _koori ouji _was blaming him. "Oh but Toushi, I only went there coz Byakuya dragged me there!"

Another twitch. "No excuses."

"Toushi…"

"I said, _**no excuses. **_Now leave before I let you have the taste of the office floor. I assure you…" Hitsugaya spoke as he leaned in and bore his piercing eyes into Ichigo's. Ichigo backed away and suppressed a gulp. His dear prince of the ice and snow had a voice of venomous dragon today…He could practically see the dripping blood effect hanging from every single word of venom Hitsugaya spat at him if he were reading a manga version of the page. "…The taste of the floor isn't so bad once you _**get used to it. **_And it's about time for you to learn some manners around here, because if I've said it before, I'll say it again…It's Hitsugaya-_**TAICHOU!!!!**_"

"Uwaaaaaah!" Ichigo yelped as he fell backwards, the back of his head banging hard against the grounds of the division office building. Apparently, Hitsugaya had no idea that his boyfriend was so heavy that the impact sent minor tremors to his desk and caused not only the ink but the cup of tea as well to topple on top of the body of the young strawberry. The ink was something that shinigamis shouldn't be bothered with if it were to drip onto their black kimonos, but the tea was still piping hot since Matsumoto only brought it in for her taichou barely a few minutes ago. And unfortunately for the male strawberry, the tea fell straight on his ----. "Eeeeeooouuuch!!!" Ichigo couldn't help but jump straight up and bang his head against the ceiling, earning another yelp that echoed throughout the corridors of the division buildings.

_**He was ice. Ice was death. Death was he. He was death.**_

Bits and chunks of cement fell from the hole that Ichigo made in the ceiling, and as the sun's rays managed to sneak in through the tiny gap between Ichigo's neck and the rough edge of the hole, Hitsugaya's entire body twitched as he could practically see the dust dancing in the rays of the sun. The temperature in the room rose and it only made Hitsugaya more pissed as he was already. And thus, with a flick of the switch connecting to the battery source inside of him, he let out some of his frosty reiatsu, and the temperature of the room fell drastically.

_**But sometimes he wished that he could be alive, just once more.**_

The sudden accident that happened in the 10th Division office buildings for no apparent reason had caused somewhat of an uproar to the nearby divisions, mainly because some of the shinigamis resting up were either curious or just simply irritated by the noise. Matsumoto could hear the echoed yelp from Ichigo and the crack in the cement since she was nearby helping Hisagi cope with his division, and just like how curious her inner cat of ash was, inquisitiveness got the better of her. She rushed back to her division with Hisagi rushing off to find any of the 4th Division members to come and help any casualties if there were. The big-busted fukutaichou, worried about her captain's safety, opened the door with a bang and barged in. Her eyes widened at the sight.

_**And he knew exactly how.**_

"Taichou! Taichou!" she screamed worriedly, gripping onto his shoulders and shaking him back and forth, back and forth. "Taichou! Are you alright?! Don't scare me!!!"

Instantly, the laughing captain of the 10th Division cleared his throat inaudibly and tried to regain his composure. "…Ah."

Matsumoto stopped her shaking and sighed. She gave her dear little captain a huge glomp, and he nearly fainted from the sudden lack of oxygen. "Taichouuuuu! Don't scare me like that ever again!"

"Wfht fim fhi fwoo?"

"Huh?"

Hitsugaya raised his hands and pushed her away, taking in a deep breath. Well, he seemed calm. For now. "I asked, what did I do?"

Matsumoto blinked twice in rapid motion. "…You were laughing, taichou."

_**If you were to ask a shinigami about how it would feel like if they were alive, you would most probably get a good knock on your head as an answer.**_

_**However, if you dared to ask a certain white-haired captain such a ridiculous question, you would be in for the surprise of your life.**_

Hitsugaya arched a silvery white eyebrow. "Could you repeat that, Matsumoto?"

"I said you were laughing, taichou."

There was a pause before a scoff could be heard coming from the ever-so cheeky lil' bastard. "For what worthless reason would I be laughing for?" As if on cue, Hisagi came to the 10th Division with Unohana whom he bumped into when he was dashing through the corridors alongside the 13th Division and just as Unohana went over to the being-ignored strawberry, Matsumoto could've sworn she heard her captain stifle his laughter by hiding it as another of his cocky child-like scoffs. How did she know it was a stifle? Well, who in the world would be covering his mouth when he scoffed? And using both hands, at that. It was weird; she had never, I repeat, never seen her captain smile, not even once, let alone hear him laugh. She had heard from Hinamori before she went insane that while Hitsugaya wasn't prone to laughter, he would laugh for a very long time when he did laugh. But just what had triggered his laughter in the first place?

…Ichigo getting himself stuck in the ceiling?

Matsumoto let out a soft giggle. Yeah, that was probably it. It would make anyone laugh.

"Alright, Ichigo-kun, your injuries aren't very deep, but it appears that you have a slight concussion, so you will have to return to the 4th Division with me," Unohana sweetly spoke to the injured strawberry, offering to help him up from where he had fallen. No wonder the size of the hole grew like that.

As Matsumoto was about to follow the group and thus avoiding another stack of paperwork, a stern voice stopped her dead in her tracks. "Where do you think you're going, Matsumoto?" Like what she expected to see, her captain was sitting properly on his chair and folding his arms expectantly.

"Ehehe…To um, follow Ichigo-kun?"

Hitsugaya smirked inwardly but on the exterior he still had the strict and fierce look on his face, shaking his head. "You're not following anyone, Matsumoto. Not until you finish the paperwork." Matsumoto bit her lower lip and clasped her hands together. Hitsugaya's eyebrow twitched uncomfortably. He knew that look. "…The puppy dog eyes won't work on me this time, Matsumoto." This time, his lazy piggish fukutaichou carried her act on further by going on her knees. "Don't beg me like that."

"Pweeeeeeeeeease, taichou? I promise, I'll be gone for only just a while!" Matsumoto exclaimed, holding up two fingers and carrying out a pinching action but leaving a tiny gap in between to symbolize the 'while' bit.

"Your 'a while' is normally three hours, drinking your time away at the bar," Hitsugaya coldly stated.

"Come on, taichou, don't be such a party pooper!" Hitsugaya still wasn't willing to let her go so easily. Matsumoto played with her fingers for a while before a light bulb above her head went off. "If you won't lemme go, taichou, then I'll tell everyone at the Shinigami Women Association that you laughed."

_**He was death; the other was life.**_

_**Should the flames of life ever to come into intimate contact with the ice of death…**_

Hitsugaya dropped his brush with a twitch. He seemed to be very twitchy nowadays… "Is that a threat, Matsumoto?"

Matsumoto looked at him with wide innocent puppy dog eyes. "Whatever are you talking about, taichou?" she giggled. "After all, when one has good news, wouldn't one want to share the good news with the world?"

The icy captain suppressed the urge to groan. This wasn't sharing a piece of good news; it was a _**threat!**_ His pride in exchange for the paperwork! That was what his seemingly stupid fukutaichou was planning all along…dammit. The paperwork was important, but if word got out that he, the stoic icy wielder of the most powerful ice-snow type zanpakutou, actually laughed (more than once, at that) would anyone ever take him seriously again? And besides, a captain should not be laughing in the middle of a crisis, whereas in this case it was right smack in the middle of the preparation for the upcoming winter war. If he succumbed to the threat that his subordinate had in store for him, that would mean that he would be looking forward to many threats in the near future. But if he didn't agree to it, he would still be shamed all the same.

…Aw, it was just a while, wasn't it?

"Alright, Matsumoto. You gave me your word. Just a while."

"Yay! Thank you, taichou!" With that, the owner of the biggest tits in the whole of Soul Society shunpo-ed off to the 4th Division to pay a certain orange-haired protector a little visit, and she made good use of her word: it really was just a while. And she wasn't even heading for the bar. …Well, not yet, but still.

_**Will death come to life again?**_

"Eh? Rangiku-san? What're you doing here?"

Matsumoto smiled sweetly at the confused strawberry. She took her place next to him, and stood there. "I wanted to thank you, Ichigo-kun."

Blink blink. "…Eh?"

"You know…Ever since Momo-chan became who she is right now, I have never seen taichou smile like he did today," Matsumoto began her explanation, which would appear to be quite a long and historical one. "I have been his fukutaichou for a very long time now, and to tell you the truth, I've never seen taichou smile, not even one bit. I tried to make him smile many times, and once he did but it wasn't a real smile. I just know it wasn't." The strawberry blonde smiled sadly at the memory. "But now, ever since taichou got to know you, Ichigo-kun, I noticed that he's been a lot happier than usual. You've seen it for yourself today. You know? Taichou never laughed at anything, no matter how hard we tried. But recently, he's beginning to finally learn how to laugh and be the lively taichou that he's supposed to be."

"_And it's all thanks to you, Ichigo-kun…"_

In the material world, one Kurosaki Ichigo was smiling warmly to himself as Matsumoto's words rang in his mind incessantly, like the smell of rotten food lingering within the body of the refrigerator. _"So…the laughing ain't fake after all…"_

Today, he decided, he was going to pay his favorite little captain another visit.

And in the middle of the captain meeting, one Hitsugaya Toushirou was lightly smiling at the mentioning of his boyfriend's name in passing, and was desperately trying to hide it. Only when the captain meeting was over did he return to his office and subdue his giggles when he noticed the photographs that Matsumoto secretly took of before, when Ichigo last came to visit. Albeit the hole-in-the-roof incident. And definitely known to him, Ichigo was standing right behind him and smirking along. Tilting his head backwards, his smile gone from his face, Hitsugaya stared at his lover, cold and hard. And said latter leaned in and caressed the other's face tenderly before bringing his prince of ice closer to him and provided the master of the ice of death with the flames of life.

Hitsugaya gave a smile as he nuzzled and buried his head in his lover's chest before closing his eyes to sleep peacefully, with that true-to-the-rumors smile dawned upon his young facial features.

_**Is this how it feels like to be alive?**_

…But with the entrance of the Arrancars…

…_**Everything…**_has changed.

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A/N: I was intending to make it a really short drabble, but I suppose I got too caught up in it. -shrugs- Oh well. Maybe my inner HitsuIchi fangirl was _**screaming **_her heart out for me to write up a fanfic immediately once laying my eyes upon the previews XD Let's not forget that I'm getting into J-pop mood soon…

I was also intending for this to be angsty, like how the movie previews showed its drama, but somehow, I couldn't bring myself to. I don't know why…so you may have noticed that it was slightly angsty at first but it became very funny (and OOC) gradually. Credit goes to the hilarious anime Ouran! -grins-

Thank you for taking the time to read this! _Arigatou gozaimasu! _-bows-

**Reflect the truth of which you see**

**Tsuki-no-Kurokage**


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